the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
