the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
