She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
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