and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
how drunk are you?
Several
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
