We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
