before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize