You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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