So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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