i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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