Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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