I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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