I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
