I wanna passion pit in your ass
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
