I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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