I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
