she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
