In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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