Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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