Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
