Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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