My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
