Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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