I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
