I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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