Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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