I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
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i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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