Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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