best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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