My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
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