I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
