I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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