ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
