She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off