He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.