I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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