We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
