For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
