I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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