I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
