So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
FUCK WHALES
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
