so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
