How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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