Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
