You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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