he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
