i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Randomize
