Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
