there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
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