evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
