I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
