rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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