Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
