Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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