im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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