I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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