i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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