White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
