So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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