i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
