Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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