just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
