i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
