Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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