apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
