this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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